Parents are already working to manage their own rising fears about COVID-19 (commonly known as novel coronavirus) and a possible pandemic. Add to that the burden of quelling children’s worries and trying to keep them from picking their noses and wiping their fingers across germ-infested public surfaces, and you have a recipe for grown up meltdowns. How can you strike a balance between frightening your kids with dire warnings and over-insulating them from an emerging crisis? How do you walk this tightrope without losing your own footing?  

Acknowledge and normalize feelings.  When I was about eight years old, I had a pretty awful stomach bug, and our pediatrician instructed my mom to drive me straight to the hospital to be admitted. I was terrified riding there in the “way back” of our station wagon, and I can still hear my mom calling out from the driver’s seat, “Think of this as an adventure!” She so wanted to comfort me, but this didn’t help. If your kids sound, act, or look worried, let them know that this is a normal feeling. Explain to them that many people are worried about things that are new or unknown. Pretending there’s nothing to worry about, when in fact there is, can be confusing for kids, and also can do damage to their developing abilities to “trust their guts.”

Ask and answer questions. Ask your children what they know about the novel coronavirus, and what they’d like to know. Probing this way will help you avoid overloading a child with more information than they need, or missing out on opportunities to correct misconceptions. If you have children who are at very different developmental stages, you may need to talk with them separately so that you can address questions that meet each child’s specific needs.

Just the facts, please. Choose your media sources carefully. Monitor reliable sources like the CDC, WHO, and other government agencies, and stay away from anything that sounds sensational. Networks want to keep you dialed in, and unfortunately, can “enhance” situations to keep your eyes glued to the screen. If you are watching things that fuel your own anxiety, it will be hard to model calm for your kids.

Assure safety. Let children know that kids and younger adults (like you) are at very low risk of serious complications from COVID-19. Also, remind them of all the helpers involved – the government agencies, health care workers, and researchers especially.

Adopt a stance of curiosity. This is actually a great time for some age-appropriate education. For the elementary crowd, you can learn together about viruses. You can talk about the history and importance of vaccines and how they are developed. Let’s add some math to the mix: The CDC and WHO websites are chock full of colorful bar and pie graphs right now. Lastly, those same sites can give you a unique opportunity to foster curiosity about world geography. Along with exploring new information, enhance feelings of familiarity and security by bringing kids back to things they do know about, and may even have first hand experience with – common colds and the flu. 

Combat xenophobia and racism. This is an excellent opportunity to instill in your child respect for and inquisitiveness about other people. Explain to your children that the virus is not specific to one country or group, and teach them about how to stand up for people who are different than they are – against racism.

Practice or adopt healthy limits on technology. Children and teens need limits on tech time every day. This is especially important when they risk having important questions answered with misinformation, or could have fears fueled. If you’re a parent who listens to the news while driving carpool or has the TV news in the background throughout the evening, trade in for some music or a new series the family can enjoy together. You can get the facts when your kids aren’t around, and filter what’s relevant to them.

Keep kids connected. It’s important children not feel alone, and teens keep in touch on their phones. Work to strike a balance that allows for important contact with friends and also keeps kids grounded in reality. You might encourage more playdates or hang out times with healthy friends and family.

Plan for child care. If schools do close, and you have to work, where will your children go? For many people, this is one of the worst case scenarios (outside of becoming ill with COVID-19). Even if you have the ability to work from home, it can be tough to be productive with kids of any age around. Have you heard the saying, “It takes a village?” Talk with healthy, trusted neighbors and school friends about possible kid swaps. Chances are that they are worried too, and that everyone would be happy to have options that feel safe and familiar to their children. 

Encourage self efficacy. Children will feel empowered if they know what they can do to prevent getting sick or spreading disease. Go over hand washing techniques and sneeze and cough etiquette. You can also come up with some new and creative greeting alternatives to hugs, kisses, or handshakes. In our house, we rub elbows, and the practice elicits a lot of giggles.

Let kids help you prepare. Are you stocking your pantry or freezer? Tell your children it is in case lots of people are sick, and it’s smarter not to go to the store, and then let them help you plan meals they will enjoy. If it’s looking like schools might close, have kids help you make a list of things they can do at home. It might be an excellent time to order a few new board games or arts and crafts supplies from amazon.

Practice good co-parenting. If your children live in two homes, now is the time to practice your best co-parenting:

1. Extend your co-parent an extra measure of grace during this time when they may be experiencing higher than usual stress levels.
2. Work to maintain consistency in parenting schedules to provide the children a sense of stability, AND:
3. Be as flexible as you can be about sharing responsibilities if school or childcare become unavailable. 
4. Offer children extra points of contact between stays in each home. Kids may worry if their other parent is safe if they sense a social climate of fear and tension. A phone call or web chat can go a long way .

Keep to routines. As much as you can, keep both yourself and your kids in your normal routines. Even in the event that schools close and activities are cancelled, you can stick to bed times, eating habits, and family rituals. The same goes for family rules. Now is not the time to bend them. Structure makes kids feel safe, so it can create a sense of normalcy to hear you saying, “No shoes in the house,” or “food stays in the kitchen, please.” 

Embrace family time. Busy families work hard to carve out quality family time. You may get handed some you didn’t ask for. In the unlikely event that your family is quarantined, or even if you are just home from school and work and trying to avoid public spaces, take this opportunity to create some new family memories.

Be present. Kids need to know that your focus is on them during this time. When you aren’t working, put the phone and tablet away and do things with your kids that allow you to look them in the eye or embrace them. When kids feel uncertain about situations, they naturally need more attention and affection. 

If you are struggling to adopt these practices, or if you or your child are so anxious that it’s concerning you, please reach out for help. If you can’t venture out, telehealth is a viable option for therapy with adults and teens. A therapist who specializes in children and adolescents can help you take steps to reduce anxiety for yourself and your children.

If you’re feeling anxious about the rising threat of a novel coronavirus pandemic, you’re not alone. Research shows that different threats push different psychological buttons. Novel, unique or exotic  threats (like a new virus that originated in China), raise anxiety levels higher than more familiar threats do. People’s worries tend to be focused in two categories: What’s precious to them and what they don’t know. In this situation, fears are expressed as concerns for family and friends who could become ill, the possibility of quarantine and isolation, scarcity of resources, and lack of trust in organizations responsible for managing response to the threat.

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), uncomfortable psychological responses to infectious disease outbreaks are common. We’ve learned about how people respond by observing behavior during other epidemics such as the avian and swine flu outbreaks. Those who are feeling anxious may experience insomnia, distractibility, changes in appetite, reduced feelings of safety, increased use of alcohol and other substances, and physical symptoms such as fatigue and overall aches and pains.

Anxiety, in and of itself, is not pathological. You can use anxiety as a prompt to take steps to be prepared. Listening carefully, and in measured doses to reliable sources for health information can help you know how and when to prepare for the spread of novel coronavirus. When you aren’t preparing or listening, though, how can you manage your anxiety?

1. Educate yourself. Several resources are providing trustworthy, current, and useful information about the emerging coronavirus situation. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has a web page devoted to this disease, and they refresh regularly with information you should know, specific situation updates, and advice for special populations.  https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/index.html. Additionally, the World Health Organization (WHO) provides up to date, accurate news about the virus’ global movement and impact. https://www.who.int/.  If you have children in school, listen to messages from your school district. They take their cues from local and international health advisors, and are concerned about children’s safety and mitigating disease spread.
2. Limit media consumption. Choose your sources carefully, and then take regular breaks from the news. Overconsumption of media can contribute to mental health issues, so it’s important to be mindful of your anxiety level, and limit exposure to news and social media accordingly. Our minds work off the power of suggestion; you need enough knowledge to prepare adequately, but beyond that amount, you may only be heightening your fears.
3. Stick to your routines. As much as possible, avoid unnecessary disruptions in your patterns of living. Even in the event that schools and businesses close temporarily, you can keep to familiar routines of meals, sleep patterns, and exercise.
4. Do things you enjoy. Be aware of how much time media consumption and preparation may be taking from your day, and make room for the things that usually bring you joy.
5. Stay connected. People tend to isolate themselves when they feel anxious, believing that they are the only ones feeling this way. Sharing your fears with someone else can be normalizing, and can help you process your emotions.
6. Talk with your children. Children are receiving information in bits and pieces, and are at risk of putting together those fragments in ways that cause them unnecessary alarm. We can share about the emerging situation in age-appropriate language, and more importantly, model emotional stability and responsible preparation.
7. Take action. Recognize those things over which you do have control, and exercise that control. Although you can’t direct the virus’ course, you can practice good hygiene, and prepare in the way government and health officials advise.
8. Try to focus on the present. With so much future prediction and fear around you, it requires more effort to practice living in the now. Doing so, though, allows you a break from worry. Practice mindful living by listening intently to music, keenly observing your surroundings, or engaging in some breathing exercises.
9. Reach out for help. If you find yourself experiencing increased anxiety or sadness that you can’t control with the measures above, reach out for help from a counselor or therapist. They can assist you in processing your feelings in a productive way and provide you with additional coping strategies.

When one or both partners in a marriage decide to divorce, one of the first questions they ask is, “How do we tell the kids?” While every family is different, there are some basic guidelines that can reduce children’s felt trauma, and set parents on a path toward cooperating for their children’s good:  

Plan ahead. Parents should meet together before telling the kids, and set an agenda. Who will talk? Where will you meet? When?

Think about the memory this will create. Heather Westberg, Ph.D. published results of in-depth interviews of children of divorce. Her study showed that the memory of finding out sticks with children, potentially bringing back the pain when recalled. With that in mind, the conversation is best had in a place where the children feel safe and comfortable, and in which they have the freedom to react openly and honestly.

Timing is important. Telling children when all the boxes are being packed or the for sale sign goes up in the yard can be traumatic. Telling them months before anyone makes a move and allowing them to see the family still living together can be equally confusing. An additional timing issue is that of providing consistency and routine. Children and adolescents cope better with major life changes when their routines stay consistent. Many parents wait until summer or winter break to tell news of divorce, thinking this will give the children time to recover. Know that recovery is life-long, and familiar routines, people, and places can serve as anchors when it seems everything is changing.

Rally support. For children elementary age and younger, it’s important to tell their teachers the day before children learn of the divorce so they are prepared for potential upset or acting up. Ask teachers to be sensitive, and discreet with the information – you are asking them to be understanding, but NOT to ask the children anything about it, or mention it unless the child mentions it.

Expect the unexpected: Children react in a variety of different ways to news of divorce. Some have difficulty taking in this information, and don’t react. They may need hours, days, or weeks to come to grips with this new reality. Others, even those who are usually very emotionally stable, may react with big emotions, showing anger or sadness – crying or yelling. Make space for any and all reactions in your head and heart, and allow your children to express themselves in whatever way and time comes naturally.

Present a united front. Unless there is open hostility between parents, it is best that they tell children about the divorce together. This can prevent the parents from blaming each other in front of the children, and also guard against the children feeling abandoned. 

Get your story straight. Divorce is confusing for children and adolescents. How much you should share about why you are divorcing depends on the situation, and on children’s ages and developmental stages. As a rule, though, adult information is for adults, not kids or teens. Even if they don’t ask at first, children almost always ask “why” at some point, and it’s best if parents commit together to answers they can give consistently, even as years go by.  

Avoid blaming. Openly sharing the “blame” for the divorce helps protect children’s relationships with both parents. Regardless of what the parents have done to hurt their marital relationship, relationships with their children need not suffer. To share “blame,” you can say something like, “We have tried very hard to fix the problems between us, but have decided it is best we live in separate houses. We both love you very much, and will always be your parents.”

Apart from the meat of this difficult conversation – the fact that you are divorcing, there are some vital elements to convey to children- and then convey again and again:

1. You are not to blame. Research shows that children’s first emotional reactions to news of parents divorcing are ones of guilt. They very often believe they have done something to cause the break up. 
2. This is final. Children of all ages hold on to fantasies that their parents will reunite – before, during, and long after the divorce process. When children believe their parents might get back together, they are subject to repeated losses when they find out their fantasies aren’t true. 
3. You are not alone. Many thousands of families go through divorce each year. The children probably have friends living in single and remarried parent homes. Point these out.
4. We will always be your parents. Kids need to know that they are not losing a parent. Assure children that you will always be their mom and dad, and will always be present in their lives. 

Let your children be the guides for any more information you impart; they will ask for what they are ready to hear. Young children will want to know how they will be cared for, and older children and teens tend to ask questions about how the divorce will affect their lives. Some common questions you should be prepared to answer honestly include:

• Will I have to move?
• How often will I see you?
• Will I change schools?
• Where will I spend Christmas?

Be honest with your answers to questions. If you don’t yet have the answers, be honest about that, and let children know you will tell them as soon as you know. 

Hopefully, this is the first of many conversations you will have with your children about divorce.  Make space and time to talk again – and again. Commit to having more frequent conversations with your kids about everyday things to keep the lines of communication open. Ask open ended questions, like, “what is something exciting that happened this week?” When your children talk to you, whether about divorce or other things, listen intently. Give them your undivided attention, don’t interrupt, and do respect their feelings and thoughts. If you have more than one child, make time to talk with each one on one as often as you can, in case they don’t feel comfortable asking questions in their sibling’s presence. Remember that children continue to process divorce over months and years, and you may be having these talks well into your children’s adult lives. Starting out with healthy communication will pave the way for healthy relationships with your children for years to come.