We are all aware of how fragile our emotional wellbeing can be after enduring 2020 and the first half of 2021. The losses of life, health, stability, and community have increased anxiety and depression to all-time highs. As we grieve collectively, how can we begin to heal and prevent long- lasting mental health struggles?

Harness the power of vulnerability.

When we don’t share our stories, and we keep our feelings trapped inside, we can easily begin to think we are alone – that our feelings and experiences are unique to us and therefore shameful. Shame is the feeling that we are flawed and even unlovable. Whereas guilt is the feeling that we have done something wrong, shame is the feeling that we are something wrong.

Recent studies have examined the role of shame in self-esteem, depression, addiction and other mental health issues and researchers have found that shame is a powerful emotion with wide-ranging negative effects on our mental health.

Brene Brown, a prolific sociology researcher in the areas of vulnerability and shame writes, “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”

Therefore, the key question becomes: How can we create times and places that are shame-extinguishing and so preventive of emotional isolation and destruction?

In our relationships, practice vulnerability.

Vulnerability involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Sounds scary, right? Any time you are vulnerable – any time you share your true story and your authentic self, you risk rejection. However, you also open the door to the only kind of human connection that is truly meaningful – connection that allows you to feel accepted and not alone.

Pastor and author Tim Keller writes,

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us

How do we practice vulnerability?

1. Embrace your story. I work with people in therapy every week who have edited out entire chapters of their life stories because – you guessed it – they feel ashamed. They are afraid that if people really knew where they came from and what they’ve done, they would no longer be welcome in their friend’s and family’s lives. Often, they are afraid they couldn’t even live with themselves if they acknowledged some of the story lines. Unfortunately, stories with intentionally omitted plotlines leave us feeling less than whole, or unlovable.
2. Explore beliefs about being vulnerable. We’ve all received messages, especially from the families we grew up in, about whether and when it’s OK to be vulnerable. When we can sort through the messages others have sent us about sharing our true selves, we gain the power to decide what messages we want to accept as truth, and which rules we want to rewrite. Maybe your family told you, about some subject (like sex, marital discord, or mental health),  “We don’t talk about that.” Do you believe this now, or are you acting on a message you internalized long ago without having examined what it means to you and your relationships?
3. Practice feeling vulnerable. When you intentionally put yourself in situations that expose you, you take away some of the scariness of the feeling itself. It becomes more familiar. You might consider showing up for a dance class, for example, if you’ve always wanted to learn and have never tried. That feeling you get when you are walking in, seeing the other dancers with seemingly perfect hair buns chattering with each other like old friends? That’s it; that’s vulnerability. You will feel it, and you will come through on the other side, perhaps with a new connection with yourself or even someone else.
4. Expand your feelings vocabulary. Most folks who exist outside the world of counseling have a basic glossary of feelings words. Just as with learning any language, the more words we know, the more we can connect with others. Knowing how to keenly describe our feelings allows us to connect more deeply with others and share our story more accurately. You can increase feeling vocabulary by having a list of feelings handy. I like the feeling wheel https://blog.calm.com/blog/the-feelings-wheel for older children and adults.
5. Share with those you trust. Sometimes our estimations that someone is trustworthy are off, and we may not get the kind of welcome we want, but this only lets us know that the person on the receiving end is not yet ready for the kind of authentic relationship we need.

Vulnerability is certainly not the only way to heal or to prevent mental health issues, but it’s a key ingredient; it’s a foundation for friendship, close family ties, and authentic community. It’s also an antidote for shame, and when we can eliminate shame, we can ask for help, deepen our relationships with family and friends, and maybe know that we are truly known and truly loved – much like being loved by God.

One way to be vulnerable is to ask for help. Ready to take that step with a trustworthy counselor? Reach out to info@houstonfamilycounseling.org or call or text 281-570-9643. www.houstonfamilycounseling.org

Elizabeth Hill Arredondo, MA, LPC-S serves as director at Houston Family Counseling.

Whether your family is gathering virtually or has found a safe way to be together in person, there are bound to be some tensions around this year’s holidays. We choose our friends, and a recent poll from the Pew Research Center shows that nearly 80% of Americans report having just a few or no friends who supported a presidential candidate other than the one they did. Family members are not chosen, and because adult experiences differ, political views can also be divergent. How do you approach holidays with people you don’t want to alienate, but with whom you heartily disagree on some issues important to you?

Think about what you want to get and give this Holiday.

Ask yourself: What are my goals for this time with family? Think about the memories you want to create and the impact you want to have. Memories are valuable tools in the pursuit of happiness, and family memories may be in short supply during a pandemic. You can see this time as opportunity to create stories to tell for generations, or you can see it as opportunity to make a point to people who think differently than you do. Unfortunately, those two agendas may not mix; you may have to choose between the two. What do you want to get out of the time together? How do you want people to experience you?

Recognize impediments to productive conversation

Flashing holiday lights, kids with sugar highs, and fears about COVID will likely leave most people with limited emotional bandwidth. This is definitely not the best time to bring up topics that are sure to ruffle feathers. These kinds of dialogues require all of our emotional resources and attention.

If dwindling emotional reserves don’t deter you from talking about politics, some of the other potential barriers to effective communication might. If you are mingling with family outside of your usual cohort, the CDC recommends social distancing and face masks. The further away from someone you are, the more difficult it is to read subtle facial expressions. Add in a face mask, and you may have no idea that Uncle Sal is about to start screaming, or Aunt Mary break down in tears. Houston psychologist Susan Pollard advises, “Virtual conversations can also be challenging due to technical difficulties like delays that create people talking over each other or not hearing what the other person said.” Pollard’s therapy practice is mostly virtual these days.

Create a plan for safe topics and conversations.

If you’ve made a commitment to steer clear of political talk during holiday visits, preparation is key. Think about safe topics and activities before you get together with family. Shared positive experiences foster a sense of connection, and it’s easy to find things to enjoy together, no matter your political perspective. For example, family members can cook together whether they are in the same kitchen or connected virtually in separate kitchens. Sharing old family recipes is especially powerful, because it calls family members to reminisce about holidays past. creating a sentimental sense of shared culture.

Seek to understand.

You might have decided it’s best not to talk about who you voted for or their policies on climate change, but perhaps your grandmother has not, and you find yourself in a conversation you did not invite. What then? If disengaging isn’t possible, there are some ways to participate in the conversation without raising the heat. From his innovative research about communication in romantic relationships, John Gottman advises that couples who disagree adopt a stance of “seeking to understand” rather than seeking to win an argument. He says that this pursuit can deepen and strengthen a relationship, whereas “winning” does not; the relationship fairs better if nobody actually “wins!” We can apply this to family political disputes as well.

In seeking to understand, it’s important to think about and explore other people’s perspectives. Recognize that some people’s personal values were created around very salient and even traumatic experiences. Likewise, older relatives had very different upbringings than younger generations, and it’s important to realize how those different pathways can inform different political views.

Practice self-awareness.

If you find yourself in the middle of uncomfortable conversations, be self aware. Know when you might start to contribute in an unhealthy way. Another applicable point of Gottman’s is that conversations become unproductive when the participants’ tensions run too high, as measured by a heart rate over 100 bpm. He calls this overwhelming experience “flooding.” Flooding leads to erratic conversation, which can lead to emotional disengagement, and eventually, dissolution of relationships. When you feel your heart racing and breath coming quickly, know that you need to practice some quick self-soothing, or even call a time out and step away for the sake of the relationship.

Do something different.

If, after looking at the preparation needed and assessing your own stress level, being with family feels unsafe or looks too daunting this year, it’s OK to do something different. While traditions are important to keeping a family together, they are worth modifying if adhering to them insures conflict. It’s OK to have a briefer visit this year – either via FaceTime or at a safe, in person distance. It’s also OK to clear your calendar of family gatherings for the time being. Licensed marriage and family counselor Daniel Garces says, “I have a number of people every year who decide to cancel holidays for various reasons. I know clients who aren’t eating turkey this year because they don’t want to even try to get in the holiday spirit. It’s easier to not acknowledge and engage in the holiday spirit than try to create a Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving when that can’t work this year.”

Know that this is temporary.

The kinds of tension that all Americans are holding on to this year are unprecedented, and so not likely to be repeated. It’s probable that next year, and even next month will bring some greater ease and peace. With that calm will come renewed social and emotional reserves that might allow for important political conversations that can build bridges in families, and eventually foster healing in communities and even in our nation.

Most of us feel some sort(s) of strain from the global pandemic, and many have wisely decided to engage in counseling or therapy – likely via telehealth, or in this case, telemental health. As an already burgeoning platform for therapy pre-global pandemic, online therapy has become a norm for standard of care. More and more people are starting their therapy journey online, and this may be the case for a long while to come. There are a few ways to optimize the experience and make sure you get the most out of your time:

• Secluded Spot – In a typical scenario, you would have the safety and confidentiality of a therapy room, but with current social distancing recommendations, you may be sharing space with your partner, children, pets, etc. at home. When possible, take your therapy session to an area away from those you are quarantining with- perhaps a quiet bedroom, bathroom, car, or even closet (yes, people are doing therapy in their closets). Find an area where you feel comfortable, and where you can freely speak about what you would like to during therapy. 
• Good Connection – While this may seem obvious, a stable internet connection can ensure a fluid session that is not riddled with “Can you hear me?” and “I can’t see you!”. Time is precious, and spending therapy time finding the strongest connection point in your house is not fruitful. Try using an ethernet cable instead of Wi-Fi to create a hardwired connection. Otherwise, sit as close to your router as possible. If you cannot sit near your router, consider purchasing a Wi-Fi extender to increase the strength of Wi-Fi in your preferred therapy location. If using a computer for your session, close extra tabs and applications to minimize bandwidth usage. If your connection is still poor, disconnect extra devices such as phones, tablets, and laptops from the Wi-Fi. Finally, make sure you and your therapist have a plan in case your connection drops.  
• Optimal Lighting – This is important because we emote so much through our faces. Your therapist may be better able to connect and pick up on non-verbal cues that are important for session if they can see your face clearly. Sit in a place with good lighting in front of you such as near windows with natural light. Some people who are online for meetings opt to purchase a ring light to place in front of their device. If you don’t have a ring light, a lamp is a good substitute. In a similar vein, elevating your laptop or device can give a better view of your face and body language. This can be as fancy as a laptop riser or as simple as a stack of books or boxes. Elevating prevents shadows, giving a clearer view of your face. 
• Presence – During your session, make every effort to be fully present. Eliminate distractions and don’t attempt to multitask. This means not cooking dinner, cleaning your bathroom, or scrolling through Facebook while in therapy. Also, avoid texting or otherwise using your phone. If you need to occupy your hands, consider unobtrusive activities such as squeezing a stress ball/pillow or crocheting. Allow yourself to have undivided attention as you would in a face-to-face session. Similarly, avoid coming to therapy under the influence of drugs, alcohol, and other substances, or partaking during session. 
• Scheduling – Consider your schedule and pick optimal times for your therapy. While some people thrive on back-to-back scheduling, take a personal litmus test to see if this works for you. Typically, the commute to the therapist’s office allows you to have some time to switch gears before getting into the emotional work therapy entails. Since you do not have a commute to engage in telemental therapy, determine if immediately going from work and personal obligations to therapy is palatable for you. Consider giving yourself a 30-minute buffer between work/home responsibilities and the start of your session. 
• Voice Concerns – Online therapy has been around for a while but is relatively new to many clients. If you have concerns about the security of telemental health, ask your therapist about the measures they are taking to ensure security and confidentiality. In your first session your therapist will introduce themselves and ask you to do the same. If you have questions about their identity or validity, you may ask them to provide their Psychology Today page, personal website, or licensure number so you can ensure they have appropriate credentials to conduct therapy. 

Telemental health is an effective way to engage with therapy, and some basic knowledge on how to optimize the experience can help you get the most benefit out of your sessions while feeling comfortable and secure in participating. 

Anousha Lakhani is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate and Licensed Professional Counselor Intern at Houston Family Counseling and is accepting new clients through telemental health. To set up an appointment with her call 281-570-9643 or visit https://houstonfamilycounseling.org/

Parenting during a pandemic is difficult enough: You want to provide stability and consistency for your children, keep them responsibly informed without frightening them, encourage some semblance of education, and support their social connections. All of these aspirations fall on the backdrop of grown up jobs, and legitimate concerns about finances and health. What if this has to be coordinated between two homes? Even the healthiest of co-parenting relationships will likely be taxed by the level of stress the world is feeling as a whole. Though the basic rules and advice for healthy co-parenting remain the same during a global pandemic, raising children together and apart will require  added effort and flexibility during the coming months:

Take Care of Yourself: Nobody is immune to the waves of anxiety and grief the pandemic is eliciting. There’s little “time off” to process all of the major life changes you are experiencing, and you have to keep working full speed at at least one important job (two for many): parenting. Your ability to parent well largely depends on your emotional well-being. Do all the things you know to keep yourself healthy. Sleep and eat well, exercise, and practice self-compassion. Also, stay in close touch with your support network (virtually, of course). 

Children First! Yes, I know we just said to take care of yourself first. However, remember that the children come before any conflict between you and your co-parent. Research shows that some of the strongest predictors of how children are negatively affected by divorce are parental tension and hostility. Remember that when you are going the extra mile to accommodate your co-parent, you are going that mile for your kids. When you choose to avoid arguments, keep your anger in check, and offer flexibility and compassion, you are creating safe space for your children.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. If you are parents who can communicate respectfully and productively by text or phone call, continue to do so. Check in with yourself before each conversation. If you are feeling particularly anxious or irritable, ask to move the dialogue to a time when you feel you can be more collaborative. Set a time and date for this so that you don’t leave your co-parent hanging. If you are consistently having difficulty communicating, consider moving all conversation to email, or even to a platform like Our Family Wizard, designed exclusively for co-parenting communication. No matter the method, keep your co-parent updated on how the kids are doing. Let them know what activities they are engaging in, how any school work is coming along, and certainly if you see anything that concerns you about their physical or emotional health. This added sharing can go a long way to lessen anxiety for the parent who is not with the children. 

Protect emotional health. Kids of all ages know that something is going on. They feel the tension and see the changes in their routines. Be honest with them about the virus in a developmentally appropriate way. Stick to basic facts and to how the virus affects them. Limit children’s exposure to media – social and otherwise. Too much information can be overwhelming, and networks and social media can trend toward sensationalism and alarm, neither of which are healthy for children of any age. 

Protect physical health. Listen to evolving rules and regulations aimed at protecting public health and follow them. It’s tempting to take kids to the playground when you’ve been cooped up for days, but if officials are advising you to stay away from playground equipment, they are doing so for your safety. Likewise, follow the most conservative advice  about social distancing, hand washing, and disinfecting material that comes into your home while the threat is high. If a child becomes sick, communicate immediately with the other parent about symptoms, and seek advice from their physician about what steps to take. 

Be open. Let your co-parent know how you are protecting against infection, and be open to adopting the more protective practices of the two homes. You have the right to parent as you desire in your own home; however, in a time when tensions are high and threats are real, it can’t hurt to be a little more careful, and to provide your co-parent with reassurances that will help them maintain their own emotional well-being (and so be a more present and engaged parent with the children).

Be compliant with existing court orders and visitation arrangements. These formal arrangements exist to reduce conflict, and to provide children with consistency and stability. That said….

Be flexible. It’s highly likely that one or both parents will experience a change in work status or schedule, or that someone in the family could become ill. Understand that these are extraordinary times that may necessitate flexibility in time-sharing. Also consider more frequent video and phone check ins to support your child’s relationship with their other parent. 

Be generous in allowing for made up time if a parent has to give up time with kids due to illness, exposure, or work demands. In doing so, you are not setting a precedent for future instability of scheduling. You are setting a precedent of practicing kindness and putting children first. 

Bend the rules (but talk about it first): Have you held firm limits on screen time in the past? Agreed on the use of messenger apps? Enforced an 8:30 pm bedtime? Experts are weighing in that many of these long-held standards need to be reset during this time of isolation. Be open to talking with your co-parent about revising agreed upon rules and limits, and continuing to provide the children consistency between homes.

If you are having difficulty in your co-parenting during these unprecedented circumstances, and following this advice doesn’t elicit some needed changes, consider reaching out to a counselor who specializes in co-parenting, or to your attorney. Both should be available to you virtually so that you can get the help you need and stay safe.